Ask a Vampire

— I’m afraid Landau says you possess none of the qualities they ordinarily look for. — — no, I don’t think asking what they are is going to help. — — don’t let him get you down. Vampirism isn’t for everyone. [aside] Another dispatch from Scott Evers. Read for you by Geezer III. — good night, darlin’. Take two. — — well, three. It’s Halloween. [footsteps] Isn’t it amazing? I can do this from my porch. I’ve got to keep an eye out for trick-or-treaters. The Goblin doesn’t get a night off. Not at this house. Getting late though. Teenagers have been through. Turned off the sound effects. Only the real monsters would stay out this late. — — precisely. That’s why we have Landau. An annual curiosity. A surprisingly opportunistic vampire. Fair? — — more than fair. You heard it here.

—for three thousand years they survived because nobody knew they existed. Now they survive because everybody does.

All right. — good evening. What can Landau do for you? — — you mean what he just said about making one. — — apparently if Landau makes you a vampire, he’s responsible for you. — — no. Not until you get the hang of it. As long as you both exist. — — yes, like having a baby except it only takes one. — — Landau says that’s an appalling comparison. Anything else, sir? — — no, biting doesn’t do it. — — I don’t know. He won’t say. Marvelous. — hello. We’re sitting with Landau tonight. What’s on your mind? — — sure. You mean companionship. — — whether vampires tend to live alone. Landau? — — sometimes. — — well, what does that mean? — — all right. — — I didn’t say marriage. — — she didn’t either. Landau, you’re getting ahead of us. — — yes, apparently vampires have sex. — — she wasn’t asking that. — — no. No baby vampires. — — well, that’s a question. Could you have a human baby? — Landau? — Huh. Thank you, ma’am. [wrapper] Peanut M&M. Red one.

[heavy western drawl]— hello. — — food? — — no, that’s a good question. Do you eat food? — — for pleasure. — — and blood for? — — necessity. — — she wants to know about animals. — — yes. — — apparently not pig. — — I don’t know why. Landau doesn’t like pig. — — dogs? — — no, she means have you had one. — — dogs. How many? — You don’t know. — No. That’s all right. Funny thing about Landau. Sometimes you think you’re talking to a carnival barker, then he’ll give you the name of a river that hasn’t been called that in three thousand years. — — I know you don’t like carnival barker. You say you have one on your wrist. — An amulet. — Lamaštu. Some kind of protection against a creature they blamed for attacking mothers and infants. — — you’re saying that helped you. — Because nobody knew what a vampire was. — They thought you were something else. Mercy. So that obviously doesn’t scare you, Landau. I’ll bet people would like to hear what does. — Paperwork. — [laughs] Come on. — — No, I’m listening. — That’s when they started digging up the bodies and writing down what they found. They weren’t blaming demons anymore. They were looking for you. — And that’s when the parṣu changed. — Parṣu. — I’m going to call them vampire manners. — Well, behave yourself and I won’t have to. — hello. You’re on. — — yes. — — no stable vampire is going to bite an infant and have to contend with that without having planned for it. — No ma’am, he’s not saying it doesn’t happen. Just rare. — Landau. — All right. Go ahead. — She wants to know what it feels like. — To bleed someone. — No. I don’t think she’s asking about technique. — What does it feel like? — Uh-huh. — They’re conscious. — Usually. — Why usually? — Oh. [long pause] All right.

Ever been so thirsty that you could guzzle a full bottle of milk?

Remember what that feels like?

Kinda like that.

One more. — hello. We’re about finished here, but go ahead. — What happens when a vampire kills another vampire? — No, take your time. — I think that’s what she’s asking. What happens to you when you die? — Landau? — You don’t know. — No. I suppose you wouldn’t. — Afraid of it? — Yeah. Me too. [candy shifts in bowl] Well. Happy Halloween, Landau. — I know. That’s why I asked.

[long ambient sound]

[whispers to dog] Hey Rocky. Should we check out the neighborhood? [calling out to the dogs] Come on, Princess. Rusty. [walking] [thinking] Landau. I’ve learned quite a bit from him. Mesopotamians had the eṭemmu. The dead who still needed things. Food. Water. Family. Remembering. You bury somebody wrong, forget the rites, nobody comes anymore... Well. The dead come looking for you. [quiet]Landau says vampires hid inside stories like that for centuries. Ghosts. Demons. Whatever people already feared. [whisper] Makes you wonder what else we've got wrong. Rusty… wants to know about the fangs. Does he actually have fangs? Landau won't say. What a character. Still... I don't think I'd want to be alone with him. Something in his eyes. That's right, Rocky. Healthy distance.